Reminiscing

Every once in a while I get the urge to reminisce.
I do so by bringing out my wedding video and a video my mom made for my grandma's 80th birthday.
Sometimes I watch them when a certain special date is upon us, like an anniversary or birthday.
Today I wanted to watch just because.

I wasn't sure what emotions would be brought to the surface from watching these videos.

I do know that I can always count on two things to be true:
#1) I married the love of my life
#2) I miss my grandma

Wait.
Make that three things:
#3) Regardless of my mood, whenever the song "Blessed" plays on my grandma's video, the tears start flowing.  (Maybe it's the montage of all the babies).

But like always, there was a wide array of emotions felt and I laughed and cried through much of it.

I laughed at the really bad 80's fashions and horrible 80's hairdo's.
I smiled when I saw pictures of my grandma with us as children.
She really was there for every important moment in our lives.

While watching both videos, I quickly took note of all of the people who have left our lives.

Some have passed away.
Too many in just these seven short years since my wedding.
This made my heart sad.

Others have made choices to be out of our lives.
This made my heart hurt.
I thought I had made peace with their decisions.
I had tried all I could to make things right.
Too many of these people have hurt and continue to hurt those closest to me.
I can't forget my daughter standing at the door waiting for one of these people to visit.
Only for my three year old to be left saddened that they never showed up.

My early happy memories of them have since been tarnished by their actions and attitudes in the recent past.
Some I would like to believe are still good people and maybe it's just with age or illness that they have become the people we now know.
With some people, we can make every excuse for them in the book, but the simple fact is, their actions and attitudes are inexcusable.
It is probably better not to have these people in our lives.
But that still doesn't change the fact that they are our family.
That still doesn't make the pain of them not wanting to be a part of my life, or my children's, any less.

Some I can never excuse.
But one still nags at me.
I miss the person I used to know and look up to.
I am not sure if he is still there, but maybe one day I would like to find out.

In the meantime, I will be thankful for all of the people that make my life wonderful.
Like my husband, who stands by my side and supports me through all of life's ups and downs.
Like my children, who fill my heart with more love than I could ever imagine.
Like my mom, who will fly across the country to take care of me.
Like my dad, who will brave the snowy winter to be there for his granddaughter's birthday.
Like my cousins, whom I have grown closer to in the past few years and whom I can always count on for a laugh or two.
I love you all!

Family can be a funny thing, but sometimes it's hard to laugh through the pain.