Closure

People do things for many different reasons.  Sometimes they do things to make others feel better and sometimes they do things to make themselves feel better.  Then there are others that do things hoping to benefit both themselves and the others involved.  For me, this weekend was about doing just that.

By now you are aware that I needed to do this walk for breast cancer in the memory of my grandmother, who passed from the disease.  But my reasoning also goes far beyond that.  My grandma was living with breast cancer for a few years prior to her passing.  In those few years, I had the opportunity to visit her in California and Lily, who was a little baby at the time, had the ability to cheer my grandma in even her most difficult days.

I remember the last day I saw my grandma.  It was on October 27, 2007.  I was leaving the next day to go back to Arkansas and wasn't planning on coming back until Sophia was born.  I was 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time and was warned against any further flying.  When I left that night, I hugged my grandma tight, but honestly felt that was not going to be the last time I saw her.

I still talked to her everyday and I could tell that with each passing day, the simple things were becoming much harder for her.  One day I talked to her and she made me promise her that as soon as Sophia was able to fly, I would bring her out to California so that she could meet her.  Of course I said "Yes", but knew even before talking to my mom that it wasn't likely they would ever get a chance to meet.  After just talking to her for a few minutes, she was completely out of breath.

A few days had passed and my mom had plans to get my grandma's sister, brother, niece and all of her grandkids together.  I talked to my cousin that night and she said grandma was doing really well and wanted to know if I wanted to talk to her.  I didn't want to take my grandma away from her company and would just call her the next day.  Before I had the opportunity to call, my mom called me.  My grandma had gotten incredibly worse as the night went on and was no longer coherent.  I tried talking to her, but she wasn't able to respond.  Later that evening, my grandma passed away.

I had a hard time forgiving myself for not being there during her final days.  I would constantly beat myself up for not talking to her that night.  My grandma was there for everything I did growing up and I felt like the least I could have done was be there for her during this time.

So on the second day of our walk, I got up knowing that I had something to accomplish...  

It was important for me to do this walk because although I wasn't with her at the time of her passing, I felt that I could finally do something for my grandma.  If not for her specifically, at least in her memory.  By mile thirteen on this second day, I felt I had done that... 

By the time I crossed the finish line, I knew I was going to be okay... 

Because after two and a half years of beating myself up over my grandma's death, I finally got what I needed...CLOSURE.  I still miss and think of her everyday, but now it hurts a little less to do so.